I’ve been in a funk as of late and fell behind with creating and sharing my faith journey. Today I rose from the ashes with what I need to release off my chest.
I have not been faithful to my daily routine of getting stronger in my faith with God. I’m missing morning prayers and my daily scripture readings are not as intentional as before.
This left me feeling some type of way that’s hard to describe but easy to recognize that I am drifting away from his covering.
There are days when I just don’t feel worthy of his love. Am I even doing what he wants me to do or am I just trying to do what I feel will satisfy him.
There’s so much outside noise when I attend Sunday services of fellowship that I enter a catatonic state. Unable to fellowship the way the congregation fellowship. This would put me in a thought of being unworthy. I know what God has done in my life and continues to do but if I’m not shouting for joy and crying out to the heavens I am made to feel that I am not appreciating his works. Now God feels so far away and I begin to think “who am I to share how to follow with a new believer?” I don’t feel his presence the way the congregation does. They’re all shouting for joy and I’m a statue waiting to hear a word. What’s wrong with me? What to do when God feels distant?
Here’s how I began questioning my worth
With serious thought and coming to an honest conclusion I identified certain moments during Sunday morning services that gave me thoughts about my journey.
Comparison is the thief of joy and I fell victim to comparing my walk with the walk of others. I’m guilty of falling into the taking the words of the worship leaders and even the person bringing the word. Believing that may be my praise just wasn’t good enough.
The phrase “you need to give God The praise for all that he’s done .” Which is true; very true all praise belongs to God almighty. it’s when the response from the congregation to the statement isn’t tearing the roof off it’s followed with “come on you can do better than that” Does God really measure the thankfulness of his children by the volume of their outward praise? Or is it measured by the obedience to the Holy Spirit and trusting with all our hearts? Does it mean I am not obedient if my outward praise isn’t loud or boisterous enough? Everyone else is screaming and jumping for joy while I am only giving a couple claps and a few hallelujahs. The thoughts that always enter my mind is maybe I don’t belong to this community. Am I just attending to say i found community. I began interpreting the speakers request for a louder praise as a judgement on my relationship with God. I realize new believers need Christian community. This is a journey that can’t be done alone. It’s unfair for me to assume it’s a statement of judgement and not just a way to give to god the praise one believes he deserves. My praise and worship is mine to give and there is no praise I can give that will ever be enough.
Keep persevering until the end.
God knows the heart of every one of his children. As I get back into my intentional reading he Will send the word I need to assure me of who he is. The loving, forgiving, and trustworthy redeemer.
I will continue to show up lifting my voice singing praises in fellowship with the community I have chosen to commune with. There is no such thing as the perfect child of Child. We are just children following a perfect God. I am a child that hungers for his word and that’s ok. To share his love with all I encounter to be a shining light in a dark world. This is how I will stop feeling unworthy as a new believer.
